Naturegirlgroves’s Weblog

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

“Ya know….

I learned a HUGE lesson last night Actually, this morning One that I’ve always known, but like the ruby slippers on Dorothy, I keep forgetting because it’s in such plain sight. Something depressing yet wonderful. Painful yet makes my heart cry out with joy.

Yesterday afternoon I went to see a new gastro doctor (thanks to all your help). From the minute he walked into his office late, saying he was late because of an emergency at the hospital, I could tell he was cool and kind. I was his first patient, and when he called me in he said, “lay it on me, brother”. Confused, cause all of this is such a mess, I didn’t know where to start. The Poly cystic Kidney disease, the painful hernias, the blood loss. the fact that I’m bloated like a beach ball and that that ball hurts to any kind of touch. Everything. So I just said, “have a look”. Now, here’s the neat part, he takes a look and immediately says, “go to the ER”. Finally, a doctor who isn’t fucking around with appointments for things that may or may not be needed, and someone who is not going to make me wait through all this pain as I have now for many many months. Just one look and he’s like, “this guy needs some serious attention”.

As I leave his office and make my way to the ER, I get really depressed. I figure if they want to do another surgery on me right now I couldn’t take it. I’m too tired. Tired of being sick. Tired of fighting. And for what? I’m alone, have no kids, and hardly see my friends because I’ve become a shut-in. I’m so humiliated with all this bowel trouble and other things too embarrassing to talk about, I’ve become a hermit. I love my friends to death, but don’t want to see the pain on their face when they see me. I don’t want them to feel bad about me. I want them to celebrate their lives, and be happy. And I would just bring them down. I know this. I see it in their eyes. And I’m not a “misery loves company” kinda guy. I pray, pray no one has to go through anything like I’m going through. I want my friends and fellow human beings to laugh, have fun, and enjoy life. Nothing like being reminded of the dark side like a friend who is rolling down hill quicker and quicker. Which is also why I hate to ask for money on the internet, but have to to survive. I don’t want to remind anyone of any of this. And the people who give are so kind…and they ARE my friends, and I’m hurting them.

Anyway, I get to the ER, have to wait hours to get in because it’s jammed up with people who are stupid. I mean, like stupid stupid. People who took all their pills to get high. People who have had triple bypass surgery and are still smoking and drinking, and wonder why they feel dizzy. Cranky old men who get a thrill showing off their genitals to the nurses. Sick fuckers. And I’m in there with them. I’m also with kind people in my position, who are there because their illness has gotten too bad to take care of at home. Or yet another organ has failed. Like that. Humble and nice people. Who have to be around the ignorant jerks who insist on making our lives, and especially the underpaid nurses and doctor’s lives horrible as well.

So before I get a cat scan they need to do an anal probe only there is no private room so they HAVE to do it in front of a whole mess of others. And as the kind doctor is doing it, I can feel he is humiliated as I am…but what can we do? I feel like a diseased piece of meat, slowly rotting away. A carcass of what was once me. And I feel like dying. It just isn’t worth it anymore. Sure my friends will miss me, as will many others, but they all have one another and they’ll survive. And this fucking PAIN will end. And I won’t feel like a burden on anyone or anything….and this cage I call my body will finally be unlocked.

After the cat scan, and learning that my lymph nodes down their are way too big, and I’m gonna need a lot more “procedures” to figure out what’s what, I go home. On the way, I’m thinking about why not just jump in front of a bus or something. Get it over with quick, instead of this decade of decay. By the time I reach my front door, tears are rolling down my cheek.

As I enter the apartment, the kitchen and hallway light are still on, just the way I left them like 18 hours earlier. Suddenly, out of the bedroom rushes my Yorkie, Scooter, wagging his tail, and sneezing with excitement. His tail is actually wagging the dog, as he can’t stop going in circles.

And suddenly, I forget I’m a piece of e-coli infested beef. I forget about the burden I put on my friends, and forget the financial drain I’ve been to so many, and whom I still need to continue to survive. Suddenly I’m Scooter’s dad. And nothing else matters. And as I pick him up and he licks the tears off of my cheeks, I remember that as long as you have just one person (even a dog) who really loves you, you’ll never be lost. That there is no place like home.

And I thank God for reminding me of that.”

www.myspace.com/helpgeorgetabb